Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes
by wareme
Summary: Aah...Pure twisted humor. "I'm not as dumb as you look." Anyone want a dose of mad scientist Duo? And his Lawn Gnome Slaves? Or just torture of everyone else? Comments extremely appreciated.
1. Default Chapter

Duo and the revenge of the Lawn Gnomes

Yo! *waves* wareme here. Welcome to my new fic of pure, rather crappy pseudo-humor. Thanks for reading. Comments are extremely appreciated.

A special thank-you to Mao for creating the idea of a Lawn Gnome Factory. Mao, eat the doves!

Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes

__

by wareme

Enter: Duo Maxwell, Lawn Gnome Extraordinaire. My lovely Lawn Gnome Factory, so shiny, so bleak, so dismal, so full of feces because of the lack of lavatories. See my minions, so eloquently constructing their Lawn Gnomes. Ah, Heero just fell over from lack of rest. That's okay. The sound of hammering nails in the room next door will wake him up soon enough.

I sit in my control room, laughing insanely. I can see each of my many slaves laboring away at their Gnomes. Oh, look. Relena just smacked her thumb with a wrench. It warms my heart to see her crying for Milliardo, who just slipped in a puddle of dung on the floor. It's beautiful.

I have 892 Lawn Gnomes guarding the vicinity of my laboratory. Yes, I speak to each Gnome daily. They all need exceptional love, my babies. Unlike my minions. Let us see the minions at their work.

As we approach the one called Wufei's Lawn Gnome Construction Chamber, we can see him working, vigorously sanding his near-finished Gnome.

"OW! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT…!" Aw, look. Wu-man sanded his knuckles. I would give him a band-aid, but I happen to enjoy watching this. It'll make him work faster. Trust me.

And as we meander throughout my Factory, you may see on your left Quatre's cubicle. See him stain the lovely wood with his Earl Grey. It really makes a lovely shade of mahogany. Hark! Could it be? The one named Catherine's having a tantrum. Let us listen.

Trowa: "I'm sorry Cathy…but my Gnome **needs** that clown mask…"

Catherine: "You know what? Who needs Midol when I've got **you**?"

Watch as Catherine beats the shit out of Trowa. Damn. That's some case of PMS. Could I, Duo Maxwell, be powerful enough to right this wrong of child abuse? Of course. Do I choose to? Hell no.

You may think I'm an insane, autocratic dictator. You're absolutely right. I love my work. I truly do. Nothing is so inspiring as seeing Heero Yuy try to eat his Gnome. No, he's not maniacal like I am (nor as incredibly powerful, genius, and invincible as I, of course). He's just so deranged that wood is starting to look damn good to him. I tried offering him some stale Cheez-whiz and anchovy casserole, as I would hate to see any of my minions starve, but he just bowed down to me as usual and said, "Oh, no, Master, I truly prefer the delectable taste of slippery elm." Okay, fine. Whatever slices your ham.

And then there's my personal favorite minion, Lady Une. She's gotten so used to her job that she now claims to see Treize in her finished Gnomes. Uh, yeah. Right. You can imagine the mood swings that bitch has. Quite amusing to watch.

My minions are quite flexible. They now believe that free time is something used to sleep only. Thanks to me, their lives now revolve around my beautiful, beautiful Lawn Gnome Factory. Mwahahahahahaaa…too bad my Gnomes are telling me something else. Apparently they've formed a phalanx and are proceeding to override my Factory. What fools. this is only the beginning…

Stay tuned for the next installment of… Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes

wareme

© 2001


	2. zwei

Greetings, my minions. Hark: The next installment of Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes! Enjoy! NOte: Yeah, shitty uploading. For some reason it wouldn't accept my HTML document, so I had to use the mother of all crap: Notepad. Oh, the horrors...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, etc.  
  
Warnings: Just some language and twisted humor. Yes, I am insane. Oh yeah…numerous character bashing. Don't take it seriously. I like Trowa, I really do. The Banged One kicks ass.  
  
  
Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes: Part TWO  
  
  
Last time I said that my Gnomes were telling me something...uh...different. Yeah, they are. My lovely Lawn Gnomes are actually forming a plot to kill me and take over my factory. I knew that most of the Gnomes just wanted a nice romp in the ivy with Relena (gargle gargle HACK). Actually, they probably wanted a nice fuck with Milliardo, too. There's some case of incest. O_O  
  
Yeah, so...anyway, apparently my Gnomes are plotting to take me by my glorious, lovely, beautiful, sexy, wicked, etc. braid. They then warned me that they would string me to May Day pole they had set up and whirl me around until I puked my guts out. Frankly, that's bullshit. Like my darling Gnomes are actually serious.  
  
To put it bluntly, their "leader" basically threatened to stab me repeatedly with a butter knife after my May Pole torture. I scoff at the idea of someone (or...something? Are Gnomes people? No, they're...animated inanimates) actually considering themselves more powerful than me. Screw that! And really. A butter knife? If it actually can penetrate my flesh...DAMN. That's gotta hurt like a bitch.  
  
Oh! I hear one of my slaves calling. It sounds like...okay. Frankly, I have no idea what it sounds like.  
  
"Duooooooooooooo..............!" Oh yes. That pitiful whine, that tune stuck in my head screaming "RASPBERRY BERET!!!!!!!"...it could only be one idiot. That woof Hirde Schbeiker-muffin.  
  
"Yes, Hirde?" I asked sweetly. You never knew when this particular chick was gonna go postal.  
  
"I...made...a... Gnome eating a steak...for you..." She rasped. Good, that bubonic plague injection is working.  
  
"Oh? Why thank you, Hirde." Ah, what a nice show of respect from my most irritating minion! Where to place this Gnome...I know. He can go in the front yard to attract the neighboring Doberman Factory. Perfect. Those dogs will go wild for that steak. I laugh madly.  
  
Hirde's eyes widened considerably.  
  
"Duo..."  
  
"Shut up. Always remember this: I'm not as dumb as you look." I barked. Show this chick who's boss.  
  
"Yes, SIR!" She saluted. Damn straight, I thought.  
  
"Now get back to work and MAKE MORE GNOMES!" I yelled autocraticly. Go me. I now have ultimate power. Since when did I not have ultimate power? :D  
  
Now, back to my disregard for the assassination plan against me...  
  
"MAXWELL!" Shit.  
  
I march over to the next chamber.  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, DAMMIT?" I bellowed. Sigh. This Wufei dude sure needs some Prozac.  
  
Wufei's lower lip stuck out belligerently. What the hell does the peewee want?  
  
"I was forced to make this ONNA GNOME!"  
  
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! SHIT! No female Gnomes are permitted! I can't have my fully male Gnomes reproducing like JACKBUNNIES!  
  
"WHO forced you?" I demanded. Oh, when I got my hands on them....  
  
Wufei shrank back.  
  
"Noin did, Master Maxwell." Hey, that has a nice ring to it: Master Maxwell...EXCUSE ME? That floozy NOIN? OH, what I'm gonna do to her...I wring my hands in excitement.  
  
I pushed Wufei out of the way and stormed out the door. Wufei called out behind me...  
  
"But Master! What should I do with the Woman Gnome?"  
  
I stopped stomping and poked my head back in.  
  
"Burn it." I will tolerate no females to screw with my Gnomes!  
  
Freakin' A. Now, which one is Noin's chamber...Found it. I threw open the door and sped up to the fruit's back, hunched over her Gnome-Making Bench. I tapped her back. Hard.  
  
"Wha-" Her face froze. Oh yeah...  
  
I gave her the biggest bitch slap since Lady Une's whopper in some episode of GW, I can't remember. Ow. Those things really hurt like a bitch on your hand.  
  
"DO NOT GIVE ORDERS WITHOUT MY CONSENT!" I screamed in her ear.  
  
"Ow..." she whimpered. Hell yes.  
  
"DO YOU HEAR ME?  
  
"Y-yes, Mas-"  
  
"GOOD." I cut her off viciously. No one screws with Master Maxwell's despotism.  
  
I marched out of the chambers to my Laboratory. Oh, what a day...  
  
I looked out my lovely one and only window.  
  
HOLY SHIT.  
  
My Gnomes...they're...  
  
SCREWING!  
  
Stay alert for zee next installment of...Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes!!!!!!!!!!!  
wareme  
© 2001  
  



	3. Installment Drei

Ah, such lovely weather...see the elderly people playing bocci ball and cleansing their dentures with creek water...oops. Let's get on topic.  
Here's Installment DREI. Yes, drei means three. Sorry this installment is short. Yes, I am quite deranged. And to think that I incorporate real life experiences in my fics...O_O  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, etc...  
Warnings: Language, my own sad pseudo-humor.  
Enjoy!  
  
  
  
SCREWING. MY Gnomes. Screwing. Holy Mother...  
  
Is it possible?, you ask. Well, from the looks of it, it sure as hell is possible. O_O What's someone to do but stare...  
NO! That's wrong! Voyeurism!...*O_O* I break out my binoculars.  
OH, this is so.........wrong...  
  
*^-^*  
  
It sure is interesting... Now, what am I going to do? Obviously it was a mistake to burn that female Gnome...**O_O** *I gaze, entranced by this exibitionism* Uh. Maybe it wasn't...  
Well. At least I know that my Gnomes are truly men *cough*. I wouldn't want that Treize dork gypping my beloveds of...*blush*. Say...is that a TEDDY that one Gnome is wearing?! ***O_O***  
I give a low whistle. Damn, look at those Dobermans at the factory next door. They're drooling...must be that time of year. How annoying!  
What should I, Master Maxwell, do about this incredibly...er...*lemony* scene before me? I gaze out my window still yet. Damn. That's one massive orgy. ****O_O****  
Right. Should I break this *lovely* event up? Should I severely reprimand my gorgeous Gnomes and give them *gasp* a *punishment*?  
Or should I...join in? *HUGE SMILE*  
Decisions, decisions...  
I know *just* what I'm gonna do.  
I'm going to simply make some *modifications* to my minion's Gnome construction process.  
Yes, a simple change in anatomy will do juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine...**^_^**  
---/One hour later/---  
I sauntered into my head minion's, Howard's, chamber. Head minion really isn't a big deal. Howard just gets a bit less sleep than everyone else and a few more pieces of gruel and Spam.  
"Yo, Howard." I addressed him. Howard's a pretty cool minion. Probably because he's old, so he doesn't talk as much. Well, actually, he *does* talk that much. Once he rambled for three full hours about how much he enjoys pretending he's Aunt Jemima. Don't ask.  
"Yes, Master Maxwell?" At least Howard shows some respect!  
"I need an adjustment in the configuration of my Gnomes. I want you to eliminate the production of a certain nether region…" I hinted. Okay, okay, so that show outside made me squeamish. Shut up.  
"What nether regions?" Howard asked, confused. Maybe I didn't hint clearly enough...  
"THE PENIS, YOU IDIOT!" I yelled. Whoops...  
"What's a penis?"  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!  
I WON'T even go there.  
What am I going to do now, you ask? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.  
Right after I explain to Howard...hey, the man deserves to know!   
Mwahahahahaa...  
More to come!  
  
wareme  
© 2001  



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